1. Never say anything like, "We're so happy" or "This is the
start of our beautiful life" because after that, your life will
be hell or your relationship will come crashing down on the
2. Never carry a gun--someone always gets hurt (and you get
blamed) NOTE: This rule does not apply if you are a cop!
3. Never get upset about going to jail--either you are
innocent and that will be found out, or you will escape and then
save someone's life, so the governor will grant you an immediate
pardon (especially if you saved the life of the person you
4. Never yell anything out in a courtroom trial, unless you are
saying "he's innocent and I have proof" (or unless you're a
5. Never get old because then you will be back-burnered, or they
will find someone younger to replace you.
6. Never sleep with someone just once because then you will get
pregnant FOR SURE (especially if he's not the one you love).
7. Never tell an older man or woman how much you hate them
(chances are, they'll turn out to be your long-lost father or
mother--then think how embarrassed you'll be).
8. Never discuss that very important secret that you're
keeping, especially without checking first to look for
9. Never publicly threaten to kill or "get" someone because they
will then be murdered and you will be the first one accused of
And the most important thing never to do if you are a soap opera
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