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Daytime Opinion Article


Kaydee's Soap Review #12

Greetings, Soaplings!

Can you say "OVER A CLIFF?" Well, say it LOUD and with force for Jen Rappaport, because I certainly am!

If you haven't noticed already, I'm taking first shots at Llanview.

The toxic waste dump sites have spit ashore something far worse than Jason Voorhies, Freddy Krueger and Michael Meyers combined, and her name is Jen. To make matters worse, she's cross-bred with Norman Bates, Jr., so look out for another lab experiment gone wrong to be running around town real soon.

How much torture and abuse can one person handle before turning into mental Jello? Poor Natalie Buchanan can't get a break, and if I had my way, I'd be her personal Fairy Godmother. She'd have it far better than Cinderella, however, because this Fairy Godmother wouldn't sit on her rear and wave a magic wand to turn pumpkins into horse-driven carriages. No, no, no! I'd use that magic wand to beat the hell out Jen, Al, Carlotta, Rex, and...oh, yes, Mitch Lawrence.

For Jen, I'd sentence her to life in front of a movie projector. She would have to watch home movies of herself donning those psychotic looks and doing those freaky twitches that she does. If that doesn't kill her, I'd throw in the added punishment of having her listen to her monotonous voice and her high-pitched witch caws. This would have to be done 24 hours a day, seven days a week. And if THAT didn't work, I'd sentence her to an additional three hours of Al Holden, sitting in a chair directly across from her, ogling her with those "I-love-you-Jen" looks.

Is anyone else as tired of Keri and Liz as I am? Keri the naive whiner, and Liz's constant jittery whispers are grating my nerves! Liz asks as if she's being hunted by the mob, and Keri, a COLLEGE professor, can't seem to put two and two together. RJ seems to be the most entertaining in the whole group and he doesn't get nearly enough airtime.

As usual, Erika Slezak is a delight to watch! She's wearing her Mother Bear armor, and she's going after the culprits behind her family's pain with a vengeance! Did anyone else enjoy her meeting with Allison Perkins as much as I did? The impatient, angry expressions on her face when Allison called her Mom was something worth rewinding your VCR to watch again and again!

Mitch Lawrence is back, and already he's wreaking havoc! As much as I do not want Natalie subjected to any more horror, I sooooo love seeing a part of vintage One Life To Live, (back when this was a REAL soap and we had TALENTED EARTHLING writers), being revived. Roscoe Born still has the talent to make us love to hate him, and I personally remember feeling genuine, bona fide fear for this man! Welcome back, Roscoe!

It appears that there is an endless flow of evil villains becoming unmasked just in time for Halloween, and that may have been the ONLY thing that made the shows worth watching. First, there's the continued revenge plot of the Superbroom Mini-Me still brewing, then Evil Cult Man returns to wreak havoc, and over in the mini town of Port Charles, Caleb has returned. Not to mention that Brother Rex Balsam and Jen Rappaport are Halloween characters all year round!

Or maybe it's just residual effects from the frustration we've been feeling for the past year with the outer-galactic storylines we've been subjected to.

Everybody ready to take a ride over to Port Charles? Buckle up, folks, cause we're off!

And speaking of Halloween tricks.......(Come on, Susan, gear up!)

There are TWO Livvies in town! UGH! At least Kelly Monaco's portrayal of a meek, illiterate version of herself makes it easy to like NuLivvie. I want to make some predictions, right here and now.

Contrary to what the seemingly obvious explanation is, I dare to say that twins is not an option. Tess is Livvie's parallel self. She's the good Livvie in another world that exists at the same time as the world we know. That would explain why they bled at the same time when Tess was scratched by her b& ^%$y look-alike.

The Stephen Clay/Caleb Morley Experience and Joshua is somehow responsible for the two women's meeting. Caleb has returned to extract revenge on those who ended his life in the "Tempted" finale. Rafe will be granted his Buffy powers and he and Lucy will have a showdown with the horrific Underworld rock stars.

Tess and Jack will hitch up, and Tess will implicate, or outright prove, that Livvie somehow killed her baby, and by then, Livvie will have moved on to ensnare yet another Underworld hunk.

Okay, getting on to the sass of the matter....

Carly, Brenda & Skye are in the Cold War phase of the Catfight Matches. Carly ain't as tough as she pretends to be, now that she has some REAL fighting competition!

She has once again been reduced to hiding behind walls and eavesdropping, spying on her husband for information ABOUT her husband! Jeez! You married the man three times, knowing that he has secret business dealings you are NOT supposed to know! If you're so secure, then what are you worried about??

Kudos to Brenda, for standing up to The Chivalrous Goodfella. She doesn't want him trying to control her life, (which makes perfect sense, since he's MARRIED and has a wife that needs protection 24-7), and she's made it clear that his power doesn't apply to her life.

Then we have the flip side to that "Kudos", folks. She's lied about her condition, yet she's made the, um.."ultimate" sacrifice by "letting the love of her life go free", and despite this poetically romantic gesture, I smell a rat.

It's clear that she has made her choice between Sonny and Jax, but I personally want the Fairy Godmother job for Skye Jax. If Brenda thinks that she can waltz back into Port Charles and break my girl Skye's heart, I have a magic wand with a reeeaally sharp tip that I'm just DYING to use!

Okay, let's go hang a District Attorney, hm?

Scott is soooo corrupt, that if you put him in a tub full of toxic waste, he'd come up clean. He lies so much that I wouldn't believe a word he said if his tongue came notarized! (I'd like to thank Judge Marilyn Milian for the use of that phrase.)

I couldn't stop cheering when Alexis waved that tape in his face. It's about time she played just a little dirty! And how about clever Ned with that DNA switch? If that wasn't just as superior a comeback as anything Eddie Q and Sonny could have come up with, I don't know what was! Bravo, Ned! Bravo, Alexis! Now all that you two stubborn nitwits have to do is get married once and for all and everything will be all good!

One last note before I bid thee all farewell..

NO JASON/COURTNEY MATCH-UP! You writers have finally given Jason a spine, the guts to think and do on his own, don't make the mistake of turning him into a soap-opera tainted man! He has a code of morality that has been unmatched by any character to this day...(despite the nature of his employment), and I think it would be a low-down, dirty shame to make him one of "The Others" now!

In short, folks, it's time for us to speak up. Don't let the writers take away the few good characters we have left on the show. Although I am a loyal crusader for Elizabeth and Jason to reunite, I wouldn't mind seeing Jason actually INVOLVED with a woman, having intimate relations, heck, LIVING a life that is not puppeteered by Sonny Corinthos.

Give Natalie a chance to breathe before dumping another healthy dose of emotional abuse and harassment in her lap again. Send Rex to prison, give Jen to Al, and send them to Rae Cummings for parenting class. That oughta be good! Just what the little demon seed will need...THERAPY!! (HA HA HA HA HA!)

Okay, guys, you know the drill...

E-mail me at with your comments and feedback.

Tune in next week.

Page updated 12/27/11

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