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Daytime Opinion Article



Greetings, Soaplings!

I come bearing sass.  I have come to tell you that three new shows have been added to the ABC lineup, only they're not really new...they are three impostors posing as our beloved shows..

"One Life to Live", now viewer-renamed, "The One Life To Live Comedy Hour", (for you, JoAnn!) "Port Charles", now more appropriately referred to as "Livvie's Undead Man-Swiping Show", ah, and last but not least, "General Hospital", which actually can keep its name, since it's the only huge hospital that can only afford one OB/Gyn physician that both Carly and Alexis seems to eternally share.

Each Monday or Tuesday, I will aim to brighten up the start of your work week, ("work week" also and most DEFINITELY includes stay-at-home mothers and fathers,) with a look at soaps from the other side of the screen..the viewers' side. For those of you who are new to my work, I'm sassy, I'm straight, and I don't mince words. I don't aim to offend, I aim to speak out. I welcome comments and feedback at: http:\\

This week's discussion focuses on "One Life To Live". Are you ready, folks? Here we go...

Niki Smith has GOT TO GO! Enough already!  Isn't it enough that the writers have chosen to butcher our beloved Viki's personality by allowing a fraudulent therapist? I might add, that in my opinion was fraudulent even when we viewers and the Llanview residents thought she was licensed? Let's "examine" Ms. Doctor Gretel Ray-turned-Rae-turned-Rae again Cummings, shall we?

She has been in Llanview for ages, and she did two, count them, two good things: She advised Dizzy Jen Rappaport to go to the police with what had transpired between her and Colin, and even that might not count, since the Commissioner of the Llanview P.D. never solves crimes, the residents do. And she actually got through to Asa when he faked his death. Although short-lived, seeing the Buchanan patriarch exuding genuine remorse was a refreshing change.

Lately, Rae-Ray's favorite defense comment is..."I knew what I was doing when I..."

Really? Let me fill in those many blanks, "Doc".

"Asked my best friend to forgive the psychopath that switched her baby 20 years ago while pretending she was one of her alters?"

"Recommended said psychopath for an unconditional release from the mental facility, which ultimately led her straight back into my friend's life on a tangent of money extortion scams?"

"Hypnotized my best friend, made her split personality emerge, while supposedly implanting some sort of guarantee that she would go back inside..only to find out that she's been posing as Viki for waay too long, has turned violent, and I don't have a CLUE!"

Hmm..if that's what happens when you know what you're doing..I'd hate to be your subject when you attempt to retake that test.

Let's leave poor Rae-Ray alone..

I want to focus your attention to the teens of Llanview...

Al "Norman Bates" Holden: A REEEEAL Winner!

Jen Rappaport: Victim of GSDD: (Genetic Superbroom Descendant Disorder)

Shawna: Victim of No Childhood Discipline.

Molly: (which way did she go? Which way did she go?)

The list goes on and on. It's sad and infuriating to sit through an hour of what was once a great show. It still is, but now, instead of sitting on the edge of our seats waiting for those annoying little commercials to finish so we can find out what happens next, we now jump out of our seats to avoid seeing Jen f-f-freak out on Natalie again.

Or worse, we change the channel to avoid the inevitable boredom that we'll suffer from watching the Commissioner miss clues that are DANCING right in front of him, the holier-than-thou DA who never bends the rules but can never actually prosecute the criminals, or even the anger of those insulting, unbelievable storylines that have been coming into play these days.

And what's with all of the classic TV parodies that have been going on in our soap?

There's the "Gilligan's Island" skit, in which Todd, Tea and Ross are stranded on an island. With Roger Howarth's impending exit, I would love to have watched Todd engrossed in a more compelling role where his aggressive side and Roger's talents would have been given the chance to be used in their true capacity.

"Hawaii Five-O", in which Professor, ( the truly licensed one), Keri Reynolds and Detective Antonio "Dan-O" Vega spend their vacation on a beautiful Hawaiian Island going on a manhunt for another person's love! Tell me, folks...would this have happened in any situation on the Planet Earth?

Then there's the V-6 engine, super turbo-charged Lindsay Rappaport Superbroom. Has anyone ever seen such an invention? Here we have a one-of-a-kind vehicle that once had the power to FLY around Llanview, just in time to find out who was about to do what to catch her in her lies, or what piece of evidence was about to be discovered that would incriminate her, and SHAZAAM! She was always prepared with a counterattack before the attack itself was even planned. Who else but the owner of this Superbroom could alter a home pregnancy test?

Only on the One Life to Live Comedy Hour can such feats be accomplished. Is there no end to the torture and intelligence insults we viewers must endure?

The writers gave us seven glorious days of brilliance, ingenuity, originality and compelling performances with LIVE WEEK, and ever since, they have been dangling on the extreme opposite end of that brilliance. Lately it seems that going overboard is the writing plan.

Viki Davidson has been taken over by pod people, and not ONE of her nearest and dearest associates, relatives or friends have a clue. It's going to take the ranting of a psycho, Allison Perkins, to solve this mystery for the police department.

Is there a cure for the Alien-Pixie Dust addiction to which these writers have fallen victim? If there is, QUICK, FOLKS! Let's find it! Only beings from the Galaxies Beyond believe the happenings in the latest storylines.

Tune in next week, folks.

Page updated 12/27/11

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